On days like this I usually don’t blog. But I’m beginning to rethink that tactic. No one is really all inspiration and glory all the time, so why should it look like it is on my blog? I’m so not anywhere near perfect. So read on for a good dose of reality that might have a happy or at least upward twist so I don’t leave you entirely depressed.
On days like this I really wish we didn’t think homeschooling was the best thing for our children. Before school started this year I asked my husband, “So, putting aside money and any other logistics, what do we really think is the very best schooling option for the kids?” I was holding my breath and kinda hoping that he would say that he thought our kids would do great anywhere. He didn’t take that hint. He answered quickly and decisively, “What we’re doing of course.” Well, what we are doing is homeschooling through a charter school. I had a bit of a sinking sick feeling at this. There are days that I KNOW that I know that this is good. It’s good for them be here, at home. It’s natural. I want my kids here and my family together. The hard is that good kind of hard that everything really good comes from. The price is worth it.
I can see that they learn so much, they excel in their knowledge. But more importantly, they love learning. They don’t waste their time on busywork and they are learning to be self-motivated. They have much more free time to just be kids than they would if they went to school. I love it when school is over and Drew asks me spontaneously, “Mom, what number comes after 9,999?” When we were done expounding on place value up to one million, with her eagerly participating, she sighed, “Mom, THIS is how I like to learn stuff.” A few days later when her math assignment was to learn place value to 100, I chuckled and passed up that lesson. We get our book learning done in the mornings so after lunch is free time and the kids really thrive in this time. They get to just be kids, but often it’s accidental un-schooling. I’m so glad they get to have this time to be who they are and develop their little selves. One and a half days a week our oldest goes to classes at the charter school. I love the socialization she gets there and the things she learns that I can’t teach. But when she comes home in the late afternoon, glazed over and staring, she is spent and tired. As much as she loves those days, they overwhelm her and only after she withdraws to a quiet place and reads for an hour or so, is she again ready for interaction with us or anyone. I can’t imagine what it would be like if she went through this everyday at this stage in her life.
It’s not like I’m any smarter or better at teaching than a teacher! Part of me thinks it only makes sense for a paid professional to educate my kids in a group of their peers. It’s quite practical. Since being *more* delivered of my control issues, I’m actually fine now with letting it go. I was kinda hoping this meant I’d be fine with them going to school. In fact as freeing as that was, and as good for my kids as it was, it turns out that dysfunction of mine definitely wasn’t what kept them home.
But, like I said, today is one of those days. I’m banging my head against the wall proverbially speaking and struggling with my own lack of desire to work so freaking hard. I’m done with whining and “I wants” and “I don’t wants” and maddeningly slow to non-existent obedience. I’m suddenly confronted with the fact that I’m not acting like I really love them. I want to do what I want to do and maybe I’m not quite sure what that is, but it is not managing three children while feeling like they must really be picking on me today. I’m asking myself if it’s really best for them to be here when it drives me crazy. In fact, the burden does fall on me at the moment. Of course it would not be best for my children to be home schooled if I can’t get a handle on all this ugliness. They are not going to love school if I certainly don’t. More importantly, if I don’t love them with my actions, that’s really bad! That’s much worse than them going to school. Or, and here’s the kicker, is that where the real opportunity lies? I see them struggle daily and I believe in them and ask them to overcome. They see me struggle and are they going to see me give up? By God’s grace only (really!) will I turn and walk away from every little thing that I wish I was doing now and do what I know I’m supposed to.
I have started wondering if the tide will shift someday and suddenly it will be right and good for them to go to school. While I could give you 100 reasons to homeschool, (Or maybe 10? Today is a bad day, ok?!) I wouldn’t, because honestly my own reasons for doing it with my own kids vacillate. Even more, I realize that different people in different situations with different kids are going to have different reasons that they really may might not add up to homeschooling being the best option for them. I kinda hope I’m there some day. But I’m pretty sure even it is not the kind of paradise I’m picturing it to be. Ha! And I’m pretty sure that we won’t get there by giving up.
Now that I’ve thoroughly crushed even my dreams of not homeschooling, it’s time to stop blogging. And it’s time to go draw my little girl a picture. That was her reading prize reward for yesterday that I slacked at making for her. I’m back in the game!